Tattoos: A Novel Page 8

  “I don’t know why I’m even fighting, who knows if I’ll even be alive at Christmas…” She broke into sobs that filled every corner of the room. I swallowed a few times, trying to make sense of my emotions. It all seemed too much for words.

  How was it possible to care as much as I did. I’d known her less than a month, but it was quite conceivable that I was falling in love with her. Just the concept of her dying, a reality, in a world where cancer could take anyone away from you, sickened me. I knew that some people escaped cancer while others withered and died, there were no rules. The doctors relied on statistics and predictions for prognoses, but science couldn’t always explain how some people never got a second chance while others did. What if Marilee was one of the people who didn’t make it through?

  Without planning it I cupped her chin in my hand, tilting her face to mine. Tears glistened in her eyes. To me she seemed to glow with beauty, pure and untethered. It took the breath from my lungs and I said the only thing that made sense.

  “Not only will you be alive at Christmas but you’ll spend it with me,” I said, meaning every word I’d spoken. Then I did what felt natural. I pushed in beside her. I encircled her in my arms, pulling her quaking body against mine. I knew I’d crossed the line, and that there was no going back, but rather than regret it, I felt mildly euphoric.

  Marilee seemed too lost in her grief to realize what I’d done. She nuzzled my neck. I stroked her cheek, feeling the wet of her tears against my fingers and her warm breath on my exposed skin. My chin came to rest on the top of her head. When her scarf slipped to the side, I planted a light kiss on her scalp. When I did, all I could think was how her skin felt as soft as the finest velvet that Gran used to cover her tarot cards.

  I didn’t know how long we’d sat there only that I was somehow comforted when her breathing steadied, and her body stopped shivering. Then, as if she’d just realized that she was hugging me, she pulled back. A flush of welcome color pinked her cheeks. I stood up, staring into her eyes that seemed to penetrate right into my soul. It felt as if she could somehow see all the secrets that I had kept close to my heart.

  “Thanks,” she whispered.

  She shot me a shy smile, as though she didn’t know what else to say. Somehow just that one word meant so much more when it came from her lips.

  I shrugged noncommittally. Giving her the impression that I went off on visitors and hugged beautiful girls all the time. For a change I had nothing to say and was more content to just gaze into her eyes. Finally, I managed to drag my focus back to my cart, abandoned in the hallway.

  “I better get back to work…or should I say actually start work,” I said with a low chuckle. She nodded and reached for me. I took her fingers in my hands, squeezing softly.

  “I’ll hold you to your promise…for Christmas I mean,” she said with a coy grin. That small act served to light her whole face.

  “I expect you to,” I said.

  I released my hold on her. As I left the room the only thought in my mind was how much I ached to hold her again.

  9. Marilee

  I’d been more than a little surprised when Jax had rushed in the room, his blue eyes alight with anger, like my dark angel swooping in. I’d never seen him like that before and it frightened me a little, that was until he started to speak. To say his words were like music to my wounded soul would have been an understatement. In my mind it was incomprehensible that he’d risked everything to defend me. Even dressed in his coveralls he had a presence that seemed to fill the room. His unexpected actions had managed to turn my already topsy-turvy world even more off kilter.

  Then my parents were gone and it was just he and I. What might at another time felt awkward, felt more than right. In his arms I felt safe like nothing, not even cancer could get to me. Being with him made me believe that if he just kept hold of me, it would heal me more than any drug that existed.

  But even being in Jax’s arms Mom’s words came back to haunt me. Her rejection felt like poison darts aimed at my heart. They had hit the mark, leaving me hopeless. Since I’d been diagnosed, I’d tried to do the right thing. I had listened to the doctors and nurses, taken the medicine, even though it made me feel worse each day. I’d tried to ignore the clumps of hair that accumulated on my pillow and in the shower drain. I attempted to forget the fact that now there was no more hair in the drain at all.

  It seemed that one day I’d woken up and had realized that it had already happened. Everything that I’d fought to pretend wasn’t real, the extreme weight loss, the pulpy sores in my mouth that hurt even when I drank water and losing all my hair, had become my reality. In my mind there was nothing else that the cancer could take because it had already done it. But I’d been wrong because it had also managed to take my home, my family, and everything that had once defined who I was. Now I was stripped clean.

  And just when I thought there was nothing left to fight for, Jax was there. In his eyes there was hope, a chance at something new and maybe the first real thing I’d ever known. There was no denying that Jax was different than anyone I’d ever met before. Not only had he met me at my rock bottom, he had looked past the exterior that I’d always worked to maintain, and managed to see me. Instead of being disgusted by me, he’d looked at me in a way that made me feel like I was still beautiful. If there was a silver lining to the disease that was sucking every bit of me away, it was that I’d met Jax.

  After he’d left the room I closed my eyes and remembered his arms around me. I thought about the scent of his cologne, woody with a hint of lemon. And how it had somehow managed to make the medicinal and sickly stench that seemed to seep from my pores, vanish. But as the hours lengthened and night approached and the truth sunk in, that although I’d finished my chemo cycle I wasn’t going home, it seemed more than I could take.

  I was more than baffled that the hospital had agreed to keep me in too. Obviously Harold had greased enough palms to get what he wanted. Money had a way of opening doors that were usually closed; the hospital wasn’t any different.

  I glanced out at the sun as it dropped below the horizon, gold and pink streaked the clouds. Darkness began to fill the space.

  “Hey, how are you doing?”

  I startled for just a second. Then my heart leapt with delicious relief. Jax was back. He’d ditched the coveralls and was dressed in faded jeans that fit him like they were tailor made. His Metallica t-shirt was snug enough that it tugged at the hard lines of his chest. He ran a large hand through his messy hair and it stuck up a little more, and somehow managed to make him look even more appealing. Without his coveralls that did just as the name suggested covered all, his sleeves of tattoos were visible. I felt my gaze immediately travel to them.

  “Fine, I guess,” I said, trying for a casual shrug. I felt anything but casual. With the amount of raw sex appeal that Jax exuded, it seemed almost impossible to keep my heart contained in my chest. Now it was beating so hard that I was sure my whole body was vibrating.

  He strode toward me and perched on the end of the bed, too far away in my opinion. His distance made me wonder if he’d regretted what he’d said to my parents and more importantly, the promise he’d made about Christmas. It was quite possible that he’d said it all in the heat of the moment, a reflex and an attempt to make me feel better, nothing more.

  “I’ve been thinking that since you’re going to be here for the foreseeable future that you need to come up with something to do…”

  “Like school work and stuff?” I cut in, deflated by the thought of school work. Somehow Trigonometry and Chemistry and all the other subjects I was taking in school didn’t carry the weight they once had. I’d done some work, but had found that even that little bit, managed to exhaust me. I knew if I made it through to the other side, summer school was in my future. But I couldn’t plan that far ahead.

  “No, something fun, something that you get excited about,” he said, sliding down the bed, until his knee was pressed against my hand.
I tried to swallow the thrill that threatened to make me grin like a moron. The contact was almost nothing, but somehow felt like everything.

  “Like crafts or something like that?”

  He shot me a sly grin. “Somehow I don’t see you as the crafty type.”

  I stuck out my lip in mock indignation. He had hit the nail on the head, but I wasn’t about to confess that I was so far removed from being crafty that it was like we were in different time zones. Once more Jax had caught me off guard. I didn’t understand how he seemed to know so much about me. Rather than quiz him about his assumptions I let it go.

  “Then what?”

  “I was thinking more like the whole bucket list thing,” he said. His words made my breath catch. He grabbed my hand and massaged my fingers with his. I was a little amazed at how he’d grasped my hand as if we were a couple.

  “Bucket lists aren’t just for people who have cancer. As far as I’m concerned everybody should have one because no one knows how long were here for. It’s best to get what we can get done when the gettings good.”

  I stared at him with what I knew was a dreamy expression. As soon as I recognized that I was swooning like a tween at a Twilight movie, I dropped my eyes. I focused on his tattoos. Even I didn’t understand why I was so taken with them. It wasn’t like I hadn’t seen them before. I guess I was interested because I knew that every tattoo that Jax had, carried a hidden meaning and symbolized some part of who he was.

  I shook my head, attempting to come up with something that would actually make me want to get out of bed every day, something of value. Out of nowhere Mom and Harold’s faces flashed into my mind. I knew it was childish, but I wanted to make them pay for screwing with my life, for rejecting me. There was no doubting that they’d always provided me with everything material that I needed, but that was where it had ended. Buried in things, I’d somehow been able to cope with the fact that to Mom I was merely a life sized doll. A toy that she could take out shopping, dress in cute clothes and who she could forget when she was bored. I wondered why I’d ever thought that me being sick would change any of that.

  Then it came to me in a moment of insight that left me grinning.

  “What is it?” Jax asked, cocking his head to the side. A boyish smile curved his lips. My heart thrummed a little faster in my chest. My excitement was a mixture of being with Jax, and also the plan that I’d just cooked up. A plan that as far as I could see would matter enough to keep me hoping for a cure.

  “I’ve always wanted to do the whole university thing, in fact I’ve already applied to a few schools for next year…”

  Jax nodded, his brow furrowed. His puzzled expression told me he had no idea where I was going.

  “I’m going to use my university funds to help people,” I said, too excited by the concept to hold back.

  Jax nodded. “That sounds very noble, but won’t you need the money for school?”

  I sighed. “Right now I don’t even know if I’m going to school, I don’t even know if I’m going to be alive next year…”

  He snatched up my hand. “You’re going to be here for a long time,” he said. I heard the desperation in his voice. I knew he was trying to hide his fear, but he hadn’t quite managed to pull it off. Seeing his anxiety made me sorry that I’d made him feel that way.

  “What I should say, is that I don’t know if I’ll even get into any schools next year. I can’t guarantee that I’ll graduate if I miss too much school. There’s a good possibility that I might have to repeat this year. If that’s the case I won’t need the money for school as soon as I’d originally planned. Besides, Mom and Harold brought this on themselves by banning me from home. If they hadn’t of done it, I wouldn’t have ever thought to do this. Not to mention that they have more money than they can spend in a lifetime.”

  Jax considered my words then nodded. “You do have a point.” He leaned in closer until our shoulders were touching. I sucked in a quick breath, quietly exhilarated at the casualness of the move. We were so close now that every breath I took made the hair that fell over his ear move in response.

  “So how would you help them?” he said.

  He had hit on the one part of the plan that needed a bit more work and of course his help. My stomach joined in on the action, doing flip flops while my heart beat a staccato.

  “I’d need to find people in need, you know like, they can’t pay their rent, or they need money for something important…I’d need you to help me though,” I said turning my face to Jax, who just happened to turn toward me at exactly the same time. His breath was light on my cheeks and smelled like juicy fruit gum. With our lips less than an inch apart I forgot about everything else, but what it would feel like to kiss him. To have his gorgeous mouth pressed against mine. His lips parted and he leaned in a little closer. I knew it was going to happen. It felt like his kiss was something I’d waited for my whole life.

  “Jax?”

  I saw Jax stiffen. He hopped off the bed as if he’d been sitting on a live wire.

  “Hey Chip, how’s it going?”

  The man, probably in his late forties was dressed in a too tight light blue shirt and black pants that hung below his huge belly. He fingered the oversized key ring clipped to his leather belt as if uncomfortable.

  “Pardon me miss, I didn’t mean to bother you but I wanted to talk to Jax for a moment if that’s okay,” Chip said. He grazed the top of his shiny bald head with a chubby hand and smiled.

  I cut my eyes to Jax, gauging his reaction for any sign that he was in trouble. Either Jax was a very good actor or there was nothing to worry about. I hoped it was the latter and that Harold hadn’t gone back on his promise and reported Jax after all. The last thing I needed was for him to lose his job because of me. Chip tipped his head at me and moved into the hall, Jax followed him. I watched them talking outside for a few minutes, still I couldn’t judge what was going on. When Jax finally came back in his face was as relaxed as it had been when he’d walked out.

  “He just offered me another shift,” he said before I had a chance to ask. He plopped down in one of the chairs at my bedside and leaned back, stretching his long legs out in front of him. I more than wanted him to move back onto the bed with me. So we would have another opportunity to kiss, but it didn’t seem to be in the cards.

  “Good. I was worried that you were in trouble after what happened with Harold and Mom.”

  I hissed out a long exhalation, relieved that I’d read it wrong. And just like that the mention of my parents made me deflate. All the hope and excitement I’d had just moments before, slipped away and I was saturated in a feeling of loss. It felt like someone that mattered to me, or two someones in this case, had died.

  “Just because they’re your parents doesn’t mean that you have to like them. Hell if it were up to my parents to take care of me I’d be in some foster home in the Strip,” he said. Once again he’d divined my thoughts as easily as if I’d written them all out for him.

  I nodded. “That bad huh?” I said, not sure what else to say. Stupidly I’d never really thought about Jax’s life outside the hospital. Suddenly I wanted to know everything about him, but I was too scared to ask. I wasn’t sure if he’d be willing to share his personal stuff with me.

  “Well my mother was a crack head who tried to sell me when I was five months old, and I don’t really know who my father is.”

  He shrugged as if it didn’t matter at all. I felt like a crybaby for ragging about my parents and was left speechless.

  “Hey don’t feel bad, it was the best thing that ever happened to me because if my mother hadn’t of done it, I would never have met my Gran.”

  He crossed his legs at the ankles, putting his hands behind his head. He appeared surprisingly comfortable in a chair that seemed almost too small to contain his large frame. A simple black ink tattoo that looked like two sixes stacked in opposite directions atop each other, peeked out from the underside of his forearm. I recognized it as the astr
ological symbol for Cancer which meant he probably had a birthday in late June or early July. Somehow it made me happy to know this small detail about him.

  “So when did your Gran get you?” I asked. I forced my eyes away from his arms and back to his face which wasn’t a hard feat. It was easy to admire Jax’s chiseled and definitely male face. He shifted in the chair. When he did I caught sight of something that made my breath hitch. Worry made my stomach lurch because if I hadn’t known better I’d have sworn that I’d seen track marks on Jax’s arm.

  I recognized the marks because one of my closest friends, Trey had gotten tangled up in that world. It was easy to fall into drugs when you had all the money you wanted and no parental guidance. Trey had got in deep, left school and given up any chance he had of playing college football. He’d been in and out of rehab more times than I could count. We weren’t friends anymore since he’d ditched everyone who he used to hang with, and had gotten a whole new set of friends. I still missed him. Trey had been one of the only real people I’d known then, someone I could talk to about anything and who actually listened. Remembering him now made me mourn the loss of his friendship all over again. I knew that I couldn’t deal with a friend’s drug abuse again.

  I studied Jax’s track marks as discretely as I could. They weren’t obvious and were mostly covered by his tattoos, but they were definitely there. It bothered me more than I wanted it to. As far as I could see the tracks were old and healed, but the idea that he might once have used made me realize how little I really knew about this dark stranger. I cut my eyes away from his arms before he caught me staring. My head felt light. I questioned everything I thought I felt for him because I couldn’t get mixed up with a junkie. I hated myself for judging him and finding him guilty in mere seconds, but I also couldn’t handle druggies, especially not after losing Trey.